I feel like I must be in a state of shock...I mean, I knew this was coming and I'm still so baffled.

I know I should feel sad, but I don't honestly know if that's how I feel...depressed might even be a better term, because it doesn't feel...sad... I just... have lost a lot of motivation.

My uncle passed away today. He was my dad's oldest brother, the man who introduced my parents and basically is the major reason why I exist. He was a sweet and loving man, harsh when he needed to be, but well meaning all the time.
I remember when I was a kid that he and my dad used to toss us kids back and forth and we LOVED it. In fact, there is video of us begging for it, that's how much we liked it.
And I remember on more than one occasion, when I had gotten suspended, I awaited whenever he came home from work. You see, I usually went to my aunt and uncle's for punishment -my aunt didn't work but my parents both worked full time so they couldn't watch me and I was still too young to be home alone- and my aunt would have me write every single word AND IT'S DEFINITION out of the dictionary, 20 times each. Now, for a 3rd grader, that's a lot of writing. And I remember very fondly, that he had come home, my aunt had gone out to do something and he looked over at me and asked how long I had been writing. I told him I was almost to the B section of the dictionary by then. He laughed, told me that was probably good for the day (considering that I was woken up at 5 am to go to their house and wasn't allowed to sleep since the moment I got there) and he took everything from me and set it aside and had me watch Ripley's Believe it or Not with him. And I remember a lot of times when he would show us his computer games and how far he had gotten. His collection of all kinds of props and such from movies, he even had Klingon weapons and all kinds of lego models.
And of course one of the best memories was playing with legos. I used to love building all kinds of things with legos, especially houses and little cities. And I remember the singing fish he had on his wall, and how cramped the little room my aunt had all his 'junk' shoved in. Makes me wonder, if he hadn't already sold it, if she's going to hock it all or donate it to the family so we all have a little bit of something to remember him by.
I also remember both of my cousins' open houses, and how he tried to make sure everyone was happy...and I remember that whenever I was in trouble, my aunt wouldn't really tell me what I did wrong, but my uncle would always be able to explain it, no matter my age, so I understood what I was doing wrong. After all, if the kid doesn't know what they did wrong, the punishment isn't effective.
I have very good memories of my uncle...I don't think I can manage a single bad memory of the man like I can with other people in my family. But...He's gone now. I mean, in a way I'm very happy. He's not suffering from his cancer and additional complications from being a diabetic...and...well...He's in a much better place. I know that after middle school I didn't get to see them much, but that's what happens when your aunt stops making you and your family feel welcome in her home because you're an inconvenience for her. I have such a sloo of emotions I guess right now, I can't pick one to feel...I think it's depression, honestly.

I'm going to miss my Uncle Dave. I really am.